


GDC Incorrect Quotes

by The_Great_Deprussian



Category: Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation
Genre: Funny, Gen, Incorrect Quotes, It's kinda sorta a Modern AU, M/M, Silly, not original
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 7,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26776351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Great_Deprussian/pseuds/The_Great_Deprussian
Summary: It's incorrect quotes guys. Pretty self-explanatory.
Relationships: Gusu Trio - Relationship, Jin Ling & Lan Sizhui & Lan Jingyi & Ouyang Zizhen, Juniors - Relationship, Maybe SangCheng, Nie Huaisang/Jiang Cheng, WangXain, Wei Ying & Jiang Cheng & Nie Huaisang, Wei Ying/Lan Zhan
Comments: 88
Kudos: 184





	1. #1

Wei Ying: You are clearly not listening to me.

Nie Huaisang: Mm-hm, tell me about it.

Wei Ying: I murdered Jiang Cheng last night.

Nie Huaisang: I feel you.

Wei Ying: Now I have a taste for blood and can’t stop murdering.

Nie Huaisang: Been there.

~.~

Wang Lingjao: Quick! Wen Chao’s on fire! Do something!

Wei Ying:

Wei Ying:*smiles*

Wei Ying:*pours gasoline on Wen Chao*

Wei Ying: BURN SUCKER!

~.~

Wen NIng: Hey Jiang Cheng!

Jiang Cheng: Shove off.

Wen Ning: :(

*Distant velociraptor snarl from Wei Ying*

*Wen Qing glares at him*

*Lan Zhan slowly pulls out sword*

Jiang Cheng: I mean . . . hey Wen Ning.

Wen Ning: :D

~.~

Wei Ying: What if mayonnaise came in cans?

Nie Huaisang: That would suck cuz you can’t microwave metal.

Jiang Cheng: Good morning to everyone except you two.

~.~

Lan Xichen: You’re darn right I abuse drugs!

Lan Xichen: I see a drug, and I beat the crap out of it!

Lan Xichen: Get lost drugs!


	2. #2

Nie Huaisang: Too bad we can’t record our internal thoughts throughout our lives. Imagine what fleeting thoughts we’ve had that we've forgotten! :O

Wen NIng: Like our future plans and daydreams!

Lan Zhan: Or the schedule you made but forgot to write down!

Jiang Cheng: Or the existential crisis that we had at 3am while staring blankly at the ceiling and feeling bad for not being asleep yet.

Wei Ying: Or the bad things that still happen from your dreaded past.

Nie Huaisang: Guys! Why must you ruin the idea!

Wei Ying: Boi, I haven't even started yet.

~.~

Lan Zhan: You can’t push your problems away Wei Ying.

Wei Ying: Yes I can.

Lan Zhan: No you can’t.

Wei Ying: Watch me.

Wei Ying:*pushes Wen Chao down the stairs*

~.~

Wei Ying: If I cut off my leg . . .

Wei Ying: And hit you with it.

Wei Ying: Am I hitting you or kicking you.

Nie Huaisang: O.o You’ll probably mentally scar me more than anything.

~.~

Wei Ying: If the moon is made of cheese and Saturn is six, how many pancakes can you eat on Mars?

Nie Huaisang: Yellow.

Wei Ying: The correct answer is packing peanuts.

Nie Huaisang:*thinks* Oh, I see. Because you carry the two and -

Jiang Cheng: What is wrong with you people.

~.~

Wei Ying: Gotta get me one of those black bath bombs so I can dramatically emerge from the water like I am rising from the pits of hell.

Jiang Cheng: Gotta get me a red bath bomb so I can stand up clutching an imaginary wound like I’ve just fought a bloody battle and saved the town. Makes me feel good about myself.

Lan Zhan: Gotta get me one of those dark blue bath bombs with gold sparkles so I can peer out from the starry skies from which I was born. Because if I don't, who will?

Wen Ning: I like bubble baths!

Nie Huaisang: Does anyone know how to repair a bath tub? I may have misunderstood what a bathbomb was.

Wei Ying: Dangit, Huaisang! Not again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeet


	3. #3

Wei Ying: If I legally bought the Mona Lisa, is there any law stopping me from eating it?

Lan Zhan: No, but you’d be poisoned.

Wei Ying: What a way to go!

Nie Huaisang: There’s nothing wrong with just a taste of what you paid for!

~.~

Lan Zhan: Are you straight?

Wei Ying: Straight from hell, yeah.

~.~

Lan Zhan: Shoot, the power went out.

Wei Ying: Don’t worry, I got this. *shakes rapidly and starts to glow*

Lan Zhan: Wha-

Wei Ying: I swallowed a flashlight! :)

Lan Zhan: on the verge of cardiac arrest: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!

~.~

Lan Sizhui: Hey, why am I considered the responsible one?

Jin Ling: Lan Jingyi once stuck his hand in the toaster while it was still on because he wanted his toast right that second.

Lan Jingyi: Jin Ling once ate ice cream with a knife because he didn’t want to acknowledge that it was his turn to do the dishes.

Ouyang Zizhen: I once almost crashed the car because I saw a puppy on the sidewalk.

Lan Sizhui: . . . I will never question it again.

~.~

Wei Ying:*points to Lan Zhan* Dis a husband.

Wei Ying:*points to Lan Qiren* Dis a teach.

Wei Ying:*points to Jiang Fengmian* Dis a dad.

Wei Ying:*points to Jiang Cheng* Dis a bro.

Wei Ying:*points to himself* Disappointment.

Lan Zhan: Wei Ying NO!

~.~

Wen Qing: FIGHT ME!

Wen Chao: Hah! Look at your size! What are you going to do? Kick me in the ankle?

(later)

Core-Melting Hand: Ummm . . . why is Wen Chao quivering on the ground crying?

Wen Ning: Wen Qing kicked him very hard in the ankle.


	4. #4

Wei Ying: Knock knock!

Jiang Cheng:

Wei Ying: C’mon! That was the most basic of jokes! You gotta say ‘who’s there?’

Jiang Cheng: Well, actually. You are the most basic of jokes.

Wei Ying:*offended noises*

~.~

Jiang Cheng: 80% exhaustion, 10% sarcasm, and 20% doesn’t care.

Wei Ying: But that adds up to 110%.

Jiang Cheng: 20% doesn’t care.

Wei Ying: . . . I should have seen that coming.

~.~

Scenario this time. Yes I will have a few of these. This is when they are sick.

“I’M SICK AND NEED CONSTANT UNDIVIDED ATTENTION!”, Is really whiny: Wei Ying

Is silent, clings to the nearest person, will not let go: Wen Ning

“I’M FINE! TRUST ME!” continues to work and gets everyone else sick as a result because they REFUSE to rest: Lan Zhan, Wen Qing, Jiang Cheng

Has no filter, delirious, locks themselves in their room because they don’t want anyone else getting sick: Nie Huaisang, Lan Xichen

~.~

Wei Ying: Guns can kill. Knives can kill. *holds up rabbit* Even pets can kill if you throw them hard enough!

Lan Zhan: nO-

~.~

Jiang Cheng: I’m sorry for the things I said. 

Wei Ying: And for punching me?

Jiang Cheng: No. No, you definitely deserved that.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: I stole Jiang Cheng’s first kiss!

Wei Ying: Awww

Nie Huaisang: And his wallet!

Jiang Cheng: HUAISANG GET OVER HERE!

Nie Huaisang:*runs away* MCDONALDS AIN’T GONNA BUY ITSELF!


	5. #5

Lan Jingyi: You can’t be a princess without a tragic backstory.

Wei Ying: Someone ate my pizza. Does that count?

Lan Jingyi: . . . How are you not already a ruler?

~.~

Jin Ling:*mostly sober* We’re getting a call from Jiang Cheng.

Lan Sizhui:*he’s so drunk how the crapola is he still standing* I’ll act natural.

Jin Ling: You are not answering the phone *answers phone* Hey Uncle.

Lan Sizhui:*shouting next to the phone* WHAT DELICIOUS WATER I’M DRINKING!

~.~

Wen Chao: I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

Wei Ying: What you have, Wen Chao, is the right. 

Wei Ying: What you lack is the capacity.

Wen Chao: :0

~.~

Nie Huaisang: I simply want to hear those three little words.

Jiang Cheng: I love you.

Nie Huaisang: That’s sweet but try again.

Jiang Cheng:

Jiang Cheng: I will behave.

Nie Huaisang:*pats head* There we go.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: When I first met you I did not like you.

Wei Ying(as Mo Xuanyu): I am aware of that.

Jiang Cheng: But then we spent some time together.

Wei Ying(as Mo Xuanyu): Uh-huh.

Jiang Cheng: It did not get better.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: You’re acting like a child Jin Ling.

Jin Ling: I’M NOT ACTING!!!!!!!!

Not super funny but whatever.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: My worst nightmare is that I’ll show up to my own wedding looking straight.

Wei Ying:*drly* Oh the horror.

Jiang Cheng: Oh, you wouldn’t want to show up to your wedding looking straight either!

Wei Ying: Jiang Cheng no one, and I mean no one, in their right mind, is going to look at me and think I’m straight.


	6. #6

Wen Qing: We’re screwed.

Wen Ning: C’mon, can’t you try to be happy?!

Wen Qing:*exaggeratedly happy voice* Yaaaayy!!!! We’re screwed!!!!!

~.~

Wei Ying:*holding a balloon* Heavy :(

Lan Jingyi: Aren’t balloons supposed to be light?

Wei Ying: This one’s heavy.

Lan Jingyi: Let me see.

Wei Ying: NO!

Lan Jingyi: ??? Why?

Wei Ying: It’s for an experiment . . . . 

Nie Huaisang:*walks in* Hey guys.

Wei Ying:*inhales balloon*

Nie Huaisang: Watcha got there Wei Ying?

Wei Ying, voice 10x deeper: Omae wa mou shindeiru.

Nie Huaisang, knowing a good meme: NANI?!

Lan Jingyi, a tear in his eye: I see . . .

~.~

Puts milk before cereal: Wei Ying, Jingyi, Wen Qing

Puts cereal before milk: Lan Zhan, Lan Xichen, Jin Ling, Lan Sizhui, Jiang Cheng

Eats only the cereal: Wen Ning, Ouyang Zizhen

Eats the cereal then drinks the milk before break dancing so everything will get mixed in their body: Nie Huaisang.

~.~

Anyone:*pours their heart and soul out and is now waiting for a response*

Jiang Cheng:*sits down next to them and looks sympathetically in their eyes* Don’t care.

~.~

Lan Qiren: Please, please, please, please be on your best behavior!

All:*looks at Wei Ying*

Wei Ying: Why are you all looking at me?!

~.~

Wei Ying: Hey, wanna hear a joke?

Jiang Cheng: I’m looking at one.

~.~

I know they aren't twins but they might as well be

Jin Ling: Do twins ever realize one of them was unplanned?

Lan Sizhui: As a twin, yes we do.

Lan Jingyi: We also argue about who was “buy one” and who was “get one free.”


	7. #7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys get two chapters today because I have zero self control. -_-

Wei Ying: Hey, do you think I can fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?

Lan Zhan: What the heck?!

Jiang Cheng: Go for twenty coward.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: Don’t go in that room.

Jiang Cheng: Why?

Nie Huaisang: There’s a spider.

Jiang Cheng: . . . Why didn’t you kill it?

Nie Huaisang: I have two arms. It has eight. It’s not fair.

~.~

Wei Ying: I made tea.

Jiang Cheng: I don't want tea.

Wei Ying: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.

Jiang Cheng: Then why are you telling me?

Wei Ying: It's a conversation starter.

Jiang Cheng: That's a lousy conversation starter.

Wei Ying: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

~.~

Wei Ying: Hi welcome to Applebees. Would you like apples or bees?

Wen Chao: B-bees?

Wei Ying: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!

Wen Chao: W-wait-

Nie Huaisang:*walks in carrying a jar of bees*

Wen Chao: WAIT-

~.~

Wei Ying: Onion rings are just vegetable donuts.

Lan Qiren: Yeah, sure they are kid.

Nie Huaisang: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

Lan Qiren: Okay.

Wei Ying: Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.

Lan Qiren:

Nie Huaisang:*oblivious* Lobsters are just mermaids for scorpions.

Lan Qiren: Stop.

Lan Xichen:*fascinated* No, continue, please.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Wei Ying: Why is Jiang Cheng throwing water bottles at us.

Jin Ling: . . .I think he’s trying to yell mental and physical health into us.

Jiang Cheng: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

Nie Huaisang:*sobbing* It’s working!


	8. #8

Lan Zhan:*knocking on Wei Ying’s door* I’m sorry. Please talk to me.

. . .

Lan Zhan: Hello? Most amazing husband? The light of my life? The sun to my moon? Man I would defend with my life? Too good for this world? Too-

Wei Ying:*angry* Sorry doesn’t bring back my M&M’s Lan Zhan.

~.~

Wen Chao: I’m just saying, next time I am going to beat you.

Wei Ying: I’m just saying, I beat you twice.

Wen Chao: We tied the first time.

Wei Ying: And the second?

Wen Chao: . . .There were no witnesses.

~.~

Wei Ying: Jiang Cheng, tell a joke!

Jiang Cheng: . . .

Jiang Cheng: Why can’t dinosaurs clap.

Wei Ying: Lol, why?

Jiang Cheng: Because they are all dead.

Wei Ying:

Wei Ying: Huaisang tell a joke.

~.~

Wei Ying: I’m sending good vibes your way. They’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Nie Huaisang: . . . That is the most threatening way I have ever been cheered up.

~.~

Lan Xichen: I’m so glad everyone pitched in to help with the fundraiser! Now, Jiang Cheng, I need you to run the raffle booth-

Jiang Cheng: I’m your man!

Lan Xichen: -and not yell at the customers-

Jiang Cheng: I am sorta your man.

Lan Xichen: -and smile.

Jiang Cheng: . . .You’re going to need another man.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: Never yell at your kids.Take the time to calmly explain to them how much you regret your decision to become a parent.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: You better stop raising your voice at me RIGHT now!

Jiang Cheng: Or what?

Nie Huaisang: I’ll . . .I’ll cry. And I really don’t want to be embarrassed right now.

~.~

Lan Qiren: What. Did you do.

Wei Ying: Alright, but you can’t get mad at me.

Lan Qiren: What did you do!

Wei Ying: Okay, first, I was minding my own business and-

Lan Qiren:*slams fan on table* NONSENSE!

Wei Ying: I WAS!


	9. #9

Wen Ning: Um . . .Wei Ying? Can I ask you a question?

Wei Ying: Yeah?

Wen Ning: Why are we lying on the ground?

Wei Ying: You got knocked out so I laid down next to you so people would just think we were chillin’

~.~

Jiang Cheng: Okay, Wei Ying, I need you to be charming but not too charming.

Wei Ying: That’s like asking Superman to not be too super.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: Listen, I need you to calm down.

Jiang Cheng:*banging his fist on the table* BUT HOW CAN IT BE BIRTHDAY CAKE FLAVORED IF BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR!!!!!!!!

~.~

Jiang Cheng: In light of what you did you can hug me for 4 to 5 seconds.

Nie Huaisang: 45 SECONDS!

Jiang Cheng: NO! I SAID 4 TO 5!!!!!!

Nie Huaisang:*hugs violently* NO BACKSIES!!!!!!!

~.~

Random Human: Imagine if you found a box with everything you lost throughout your life in it!

A-Qing: Oh wow! My childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Xiao Xing Cheng: My will to live! I haven't seen that in years!

Song Lan: I knew I lost my potential somewhere!

Xue Yang: Ah, mental stability! My old friend!

Random Human: Guys, could you lighten up a little.

~.~

Lan Jingyi: When there are no cops around anything’s legal!

Wei Ying(to the Juniors): Sounds like something a responsible parent wouldn’t want you doing. Good thing I am an uncle. Avenge me, kids! AVENGE ME!!!!!!

Jiang Cheng: Finally. A good reason to punch a teenager in the face.

Wen Chao: Yes! YES! Burn the child!

Wen Qing: I was awoken by the sounds of mockery. Where is it? Show me the object of ridicule.

Jin Ling: Would it be wrong to punch a child?

Nie Huaisang: Welp. I learned nothing.

Wei Ying again: Road safety laws, prepared to be ignored.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: You know what strength is? Forgiving someone who wasn’t even sorry.

Jiang Cheng: Not to be dramatic or anything but I would rather die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys. So. I'm going on a trip for the next couple of weeks. I don't know how that's going to affect how much I update but I just wanted to let you guys know I may not be able to update every day anymore for a little. I will do my best tho. Also, I may post another chapter or two just in case.


	10. #10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys get multiple chapters today cuz imma be gone soon. The _hope_ is that I will still be able to update in my trip. But you get a few more chapters just in case.

Wen Qing:*talking to Wen Ning* So, today at work a creepy dude at the bar(Wen Chao) asked “What’s your secret to saying so young and perky?”

Wen Qing: I responded, “I am a thousand year old witch and every morning I bathe in the blood of the men I sacrifice.” and a lady nearby(Madame Yu) laughed. Pretty sure this makes us a coven.

~.~

Lan Sizhui: Babies aren’t just for Christmas you know.

Jiang Cheng:*to Wei Ying* If I had a lightsaber I would lightly saber you.

Yiling Patriarch:*to Wen Chao* It’s like Where’s Waldo but then I get to set you on fire.

Nie Huaisang: If bread was a vegetable it would be a potato.

Lan Jingyi: Coconut shavings are just the devil’s toe-nail clippings.

Wen Ning: I am the spring berry!

Lan Zhan: People are just stacks of years.

Lan Jingyi: NO! Not the pineapple!

Jing Ling: You can’t eat him! It’s my turn!

Nie Huaisang: Get back here elephants! I can only jump roofs so fast!

Wen Qing:*to Wang Lingjiao* What’s it like living in a constant haze of stupidity?

Jiang Cheng: Is there a need for a reason to kill someone?

Lan Xichen: That’s life. Those are life. This is life. They are all lives.

~.~

Wei Ying: I had NOTHING to do with it!

Wei Ying: Okay, it was my idea. But I don’t feel good about it!

~.~

Wei Ying: Pardon my intrusion.

Jiang Cheng: On this moment or my life in general?

~.~

Lan Zhan: You were wrong.

Wei Ying: . . .

Wei Ying: . . .I’ve been wrong about a lot of things in my life.

Wei Ying: You’re going to have to be a bit more specific.

~.~

Lan Jingyi: Does Lightning McQueen have life insurance or car insurance?

Jin Ling: I won’t spare a minute to think about this stupid question.

Jin Ling: I’m not even listening.

(a few hours later)

Jin Ling:*awake in bed, thinking about Lightning McQueen*

Jin Ling: Gosh dang it Jingyi.


	11. #11

Wei Ying: Sleep is great. It's like an eight hour free trial of death.

Lan Zhan: Wei Ying nO!

~.~

Nie Huaisang: Gosh no! WHY! This is so unfair! I didn’t deserve this!

Jiang Cheng: Did one of your favorite characters die again?

Nie Huaisang: YES!

Jiang Cheng:*sighs* Do you want to sit with me, vent about your feelings, and tell me what happened?

Nie Huaisang:*choking back a sob* Yes.

~.~

Lan Zhan: I’m not drunk.

Lan Xichen: Yes you are!

Lan Zhan: I am not drunk!

Lan Xichen: . . .Can you tell the time?

Lan Zhan: Yes.

Lan Zhan:*turns to clock* I am not, freaking, drunk!

Lan Xichen:

~.~

Nie Huaisang: I laugh in the face of danger.

Jiang Cheng: You cried for 45 minutes because you didn’t want Nie Mingjue to leave you alone so I had to stay with you.

Nie Huaisang: . . .That was ages ago.

Jiang Cheng: That was ten minutes ago.

~.~

Lan Jingyi: If you listen closely to the dishwasher, you can hear the slurping sounds of dozens of tiny tongues licking the dishes clean.

Oyang Zizhen: Nah, that’s just me bro.

Lan Sizhui: . . .How many tongues do you have?

Oyang Zizhen: Wouldn’t you like to know weather boy.

~.~

*Jin Guangyao appears*

Juniors: Who’s that?

Wei Ying: He doesn’t like me.

*Lan Qiren appears*

Juniors: Who’s that!

Wei Ying: He doesn’t like me either!

*Jiang Cheng appears*

Juniors: Who’s that!?

Wie Ying: Let’s just assume for the moment that everyone here doesn’t like me!

I know, I know. Jin Ling has met Jiang Cheng and the Lan's have met Ol' Fuddyduddy. Just imagine they haven't please.

~.~

Wei Ying: We’re having the best time aren’t we!

Jiang Cheng: I wish I was dead.

~.~

Wei Ying: When have done anything rash or irresponsible.

Madame Yu: I keep a list. It’s alphabetized.

~.~

Lan Zhan(just in general): I’m going to need so much therapy after this.


	12. #12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyo fam! I have a little time so I am updating! Enjoy!

Wei Ying: Wen Ning, how would you like your coffee?

Wen Ning: As dark and bitter as my soul.

Wei Ying: One glass of milk coming right up.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: Okay. If I have 10 cookies, and you give me 5, how many do you have left?

Nie Huaisang: 0

Jiang Cheng: No. Come on, it’s basic math, it’s not even that ha-

Nie Huaisang: I would give everything to you because I love you! :D

Jiang Cheng:*holding back tears* Gross, absolutely disgusting, get out of my room.

~.~

Jin Ling: I’m ignoring you.

Jiang Cheng: . . .

Jin Ling: I said I’m ignoring you!

Jiang Cheng: . . .

Jin Ling: sTOP IGNORING ME WHEN I’M IGNORING YOU!

~.~

Wei Ying: Jiang Cheng, in your opinion, what is the height of stupidity.

Jiang Cheng: Um, Wei Ying, how tall are you?

~.~

Nie Huaisang: I don’t see why demons are so focused on eating human souls. I mean, can’t they eat anything else?

Wei Ying: They can eat fruit, but demons have slow metabolism and souls are calorie free.

Jiang Cheng: As said the expert.


	13. #13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys. I'm back from the trip

I will now display two types of relationships. Enjoy

Wei Ying: I’m cold.

Lan Zhan:*quickly* Here, take my cloak love.

Nie Huaisang: I’m cold.

Jiang Cheng: Well, suck it up Huaisang! I can’t control the weather!

~.~

Wei Ying: I think this plan is going pretty well.

Jiang Cheng: Scoff.

Nie Huaisang: . . .Did you just say the word scoff?

~.~

Jiang Cheng: Please stop.

Wei Ying: Stop what?

Jiang Cheng:*gestures vaguely*

Wei Ying: . . .You just gestured to all of me.

Jiang Cheng: Exactly.

~.~

Wei Ying: Sorry guys. Christmas is canceled this year.

Jiang Cheng:*sighs* What did you do.

Wei Ying: I told him I was going to be good this year and he died of laughter.


	14. #14

Wei Ying: Ooh! The crunchiness!

Nie Huaisang: Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.

Lan Zhan:(talking about a pumpkin pie) Yes, it was made from the roasted flesh of the Hallow’s Eve gourd.

Ouyang Zizhen: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

Lan Jingyi: I lost a bet and got crippled llamas tattooed on my toes.

Wen Ning: Can I get a horse for my bit?

Lan Xichen: It’s church video logic. To question it is blasphemy.

Jiang Cheng:*TOA Arrow of Dodana voice* GOD DOTH NOT SPEW FORTH ANSWERS AS IF HE WERE GOOGLE!

~.~

Jin Guangyao: I poisoned one of our drinks, but I can’t remember which one.

Nie Huaisang:

Nie Huaisang:

Nie Huaisang: The way this dinner is going, I hope it’s mine.

~.~

Nie Mingjue: Can you handle it?

Nie Huaisang: Absolutely not, it sounds like way too much responsibility.

~.~

Wei Ying:*crouched on shelf with sharpie in mouth* I WILL BE A LIVING GOOOOODDD!!!!!!!! >)


	15. #15

Wei Ying:*covers Jiang Cheng’s eyes* Guess who?

Jiang Cheng: Either Wei Ying or the cold, clammy hands of death.

Wei Ying: It’s Wei Ying!

Jiang Cheng: Shoot.

~.~

Nie Hualing: Jiang Cheng is choking and I need to call 911 but the 1 isn’t working! What do I do?!

Wei Ying: Turn the phone upside down and use the 6!

Nie Huaisang: Genius!

Lan Zhan: What the heck . . .

~.~

Madame Yu: And if you see Wei Wuxian, give him this message.

Madame Yu:*makes a neutral face*

Madame Yu: He’ll know what it means.

(later)

Nie Huaisang: Oh, and Madame Yu said to give you this message.

Nie Huaisang:*makes a neutral face*

Wei Ying: O.O Oh no! The neutral face of displeasure!

~.~

Lan Zhan: How do you guys address Sect Leader Jiang?  
Jiang Fengmian:*walks in*

Jiang Cheng: Male parental unit!

Nie Huaisang: Papy!

Wei Ying: Daddy-o!

Jiang Fengmain:*walks out of room*

~.~

(Jiang Fengmian teaching Jiang Cheng to drive)

Jiang Fengmian: Okay, so you’re driving and Wei Ying and Nie Huaisang walk into the road in front of you. Quick, what do you hit?

Jiang Cheng: Wei Ying. I could never hit Huaisang.

Jiang Fengmian:

Jiang Fengmian: The breaks Jiang Cheng. You hit the breaks.

~.~

Wei Ying: Okay, Mianmian, give me your hair dryer!

Mianmian: . . .What?

Wen Qing: What are you talking about?

Wei Ying:*confused* Don’t you carry one in your purse?

Wen Qing: Have you ever met a human woman?

Wei Ying:*calls Shijie* Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?

Shijie: Of course, I’m not an animal.


	16. #16

Wen Chao: It’s illegal to be better looking than me.

Wei Ying:*shrugs* Well guys! Guess we’re all going to jail!

~.~

Lan Jingyi and Ouyang Zizhen:*walking out of aquarium looking disappointed*

Jin Ling:*rolls eyes* What else did you expect a tiger shark to be?

~.~

Wei Ying: Let’s bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang! Waddya say lads?

Lan Jingyi: Mood to the max!

Ouyang Zizhen: Tubular af.

Jing Ling: Groovy, I hate it.

Lan Sizhui: Wicked snatched!

Nie Huaisang: Gnarly, fam.

Wei Ying:*nods wisely* You are ready, my pupils.

~.~

Wei Ying: What are you working on?

Jiang Cheng: Not throwing you out the window.

Wei Ying: How’s it going?

Jiang Cheng: Not well.

~.~  
(these are random quotes from the show Hetalia)

Nie Huaisang: I’M IN NORTH AFRICA RIGHT NOW AND I CAN’T TIE MY SHOELACES!

Jiang Cheng: Please close your legs.  
Wei Ying: But I want the camera to get my best side!

Lan Sizhui:*drunk as heck* Am I Catholic? . . .Or Protestant? Gosh I don’t know!

Lan Jingyi: Oh thanks a million, how ‘bout next time you just stab me in the chest wITH A SPATULA!!!!!!!

Jin Ling: Wow, I look exactly like you. A big douche-bag.

Wei Ying: CHECK IT BEFORE YOU WRECK IT!

Jin Ling: YOU CAN’T GOOGLE THINGS IN 1942 IDIOT!

Wen Ruohan: I once killed a man with his own mustache and grape.


	17. #17

Shijie:*trying to park* Hmm, there’s a space there but . . .It’s too small for our car. It would be better if the car up front wasn’t there.

Wei Ying: Who’s car is parked there?

Shijie: I think it’s Wen Chao’s-

Jiang Cheng and Wei Ying at the same time: Floor it.

~.~

Lan Jingyi: Why don’t I ever see baby pigeons.

Jin Ling: Because pigeons are smart enough to hide their babies from you.

~.~

Yiling Patriarch: I set fires to feel joy.

Lan Zhan: That’s adorable.

~.~

Wen Ning:*stabs open capri sun with straw*

Wen Ning:*pours into wine glass*

Wen Ning: I’m drinking my sorrows away.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: Here, a nice cup of hot tea.

Nie Huaisang: It’s cold.

Jiang Cheng: A nice cup of tea.

Nie Huaisang: It’s awful.

Jiang Cheng: Tea.

Nie Huaisang: I don’t even think that’s tea.

Jiang Cheng: Cup.

Nie Huaisang: . . .That’s a vase.

~.~

Wei Ying: Do you care if I take the skin off this Furby?

Wei Ying: I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh he can begin his path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us.

Jiang Cheng: I literally couldn't care less but please don’t say anything that terrifying ever again.


	18. #18

Shijie: Could you please pass the salt?

Wei Ying:*yeets Jiang Cheng across table*

~.~

These are things that Russia from Hetalia _definently_ said.

Wei Ying: Ugh, here we go again with that communism crap.

Lan Zhan: I’m sorry, but I’m only speaking with my rabbit today.

Jiang Cheng: Huaisang is my favorite sibling. Which says a lot because he’s probably not even related to me.

Jin Ling:*to Jingyi* Please, for Hylia's sake, and your own physical health, shut up.”

Lan Qiren: I say I’m lonely, but when I go out with people I am immediately reminded that I like being alone at my fireplace.

Wei Ying: Alcohol jokes are so funny and relatable! . . .In a good way . . .there’s not good way is there.

Jiang Cheng: I think I facepalm more than I actually speak.

Lan Zhan: I’m going home now. No one can stop me.

Wei Ying: Violence is always the answer.

~.~

Jin Ling: Yes, Wei Ying is in sandals and socks Uncle. But his socks are Chanel and his sandals are Prada so . . .

~.~

Lan Xichen: No kids, there’s nothing ‘meme’ about smoking cigarettes. It’s not ‘netflix and chill’ to take a drug. Fidget spin yourself to church.


	19. #19

Nie Huaisang: I love you.

Jiang Cheng: I’ve grown attached to you, I guess.

Nie Huaisang: . . .We’ve been married for thirty years.

~.~

Lan Jingyi: I think small creatures are so much more violent to us because there is less room to vent their anger.

Jin Ling: That’s ridiculous. Name one example.

Lan Sizhui: Chihuahuas.

Ouyang Zizhen: Wasps.

Lan Jingyi: You.

~.~

Wei Ying: We lost Jin Ling!

Lan Zhan: How did you manage to do that?!

Lan Jingyi: Oh, give us a break! He’s like, two inches tall!

~.~

Jin Ling: Is Jingyi ever quiet?

Lan Sizhui: Only when he sleeps.

Jin Ling:

Jin Ling: Murder it is.

Lan Sizhui: nO!

~.~

Lan Zhan: Wei Ying and I slept together.

Lan Xichen: And?

Lan Zhan: I thought you would be a little more shocked.

Lan Xichen: Oh, sorry.

Lan Xichen:*shocked voice* And?!

~.~

Lan Qiren:*trying to deal with WangXain* I doubt alcohol’s the answer, but it’s worth a shot.


	20. #20

Nie Huaisang:*tucking the kids in* See guys! There’s hope for everyone!

Smol Jin Ling:*raises hand* Even me?

Jiang Cheng: Heck no.

~.~

Jin Ling: Hey, Uncle. Could you give me some dating advice?

Jiang Cheng: Just because I’m with Huaisang doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

~.~

Wei Ying: If you found you only had a day left to live, what would you do?

Lan Sizhui: Say goodbye and mend my relationships.

Ouyang Zizhen: Something illegal.

Jin Ling: Accept my fate.

Lan Jingyi: I would message ten people on Facebook saying if they didn’t forward the message to ten people, I would die tomorrow.

Wei Ying: Holy crap Jingyi!

Ouyang Zizhen: That’s freaking awesome. Can I change my answer?

~.~

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Jiang Cheng:*slaps alarm clock without getting up*

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Jiang Cheng:*slaps alarm clock again*

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Jiang Cheng:*gets up and unplugs alarm clock*

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Jiang Cheng:*angry, yeets clock out window*

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Jiang Cheng: WHERE THE HECK IS THAT COMING FROM?!

Wei Ying:*crouched in closet* BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!


	21. #21

Wei Ying: Jiang Cheng, when I die, I don’t care who’s at my funeral as long as you’re there.

Jiang Cheng: I mean, of course I’ll go. You know the murderer always comes to throw off the police.

~.~

Lan Zhan: Have you seen Wei Ying anywhere?

Jiang Cheng: No.

Nie Huaisang: Don’t worry, I got this.

Nie Huaisang:*clears throat*

Nie Huaisang: WHO YOU WEARIN’?

Wei Ying:*yeets self through window* SEAN, JOHN, CALVIN KLEIN, DONNA CLARIN’S FASHION LINE!

Nie Huaisang:*smirks* Found ‘em.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: You have to act your age! Grow up and take responsibility! Now shut up and get in the pillow fort!

~.~

Jin Guangyao: Greetings, Xiansheng Wei.

Wei Ying: Greetings Zongzhu J-

Wei Ying: Wait. Greet me less formally.

Jin Guangyao: What? Why?

Wei Ying: JUST BECAUSE!

Jin Guangyao: . . .

Jin Guangyao: Hi Wei Wuxian?

Wei Ying: WASSUP DIPSH*T!!!!!!!


	22. #22

Lan Qiren: Does anyone know what we risk when we have unprotected sex?

Wei Ying: Broken hip.

Jiang Cheng: Falling in love.

Nie Huaisang: Heart attack.

Lan Zhan: Your partner dying on top of you.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: Let’s do something really scary!

Jiang Cheng: We could go to bed early and be alone with our thoughts.

~.~

Wei Ying: So, what time does judgmental express arrive?

Lan Xichen: Lan Zhan gets here at noon.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: He shot at me, so I did what had to be done.

Shijie: Called for help?

Jiang Cheng: Stabbed him in the shoulder.

Shijie:*sighs exasperatedly*

~.~

Madame Yu: I made a lot of mistakes.

Wei Ying: Was I one of them?

Madame Yu:*smiles* Oh boy, you are all of them.

~.~

Wei Ying: I understand that heaven has given an order, but it is an idiotic order and I have elected it ignore it.

~.~

Lan Qiren: You three, explain. Now.

Jiang Cheng: It was Wei Ying.

Nie Huaisang: It was Wei Ying.

Wei Ying: It was Wei Ying.

Wei Ying:

Wei Ying:

Wei Ying: Shoot.

~.~

Lan Sizhui: I’m making a plan to purge the world of sin.

Lan Jingyi: I’m remaking the world in my image!

Ouyang Zizhen: I’M MAKING FREAKING MAC N CHEESE AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME


	23. #23

(I was privileged to be present for all of these and actually said a lot of them. Except Jin Ling's. That was google's auto-suggest. Also, my sibling wishes I make it known that they are responsible for the first, second, third, eigth, and last quote)  
Nie Huaisang: CRISP YOU NUGS!

Wei Ying: The Communists took the unicorns.

Jiang Cheng:*making a circle with his fingers the size of a quarter* IT WAS LIKE A NORMAL SIZED BLUEBERRY!!!!!!

Lan Zhan: Do you ever eat a cold half of a bean n cheese burrito for breakfast and wonder that the heck you are doing with your life?

Jin Ling: I murdered a woman in her car, with a cat.

Nie Huaisang: If I were a McDonalds order, I’d be a burger and a small cry.

Jin Guangyao: I feel like chopsticks are an underrated murder weapon.

Lan Sizhui: Lunch is broken.

Wei Ying: Oh, I was just talking about cucumbers, nothing important. 

Jiang Cheng:*irritated* Wei Wuxian! Sea monkeys!

Lan Zhan:*drunk**talking to rabbit* Good think you’re not a robot.

Lan Jingyi:*noms cupcake* Take that Luke.

Nie Huaisang: No one needs the yellow gel.

(Okay! Now back to the inncorrect quotes I found online!)

~.~

Nie Huaisang: What if I put rum in my tea instead of milk?

Jiang Cheng:*takes rum and tea cup away* What if you didn’t?

~.~

Lan Zhan: I’m cold.

Wei Ying: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I know something that’ll warm you up.

Lan Qiren: Is it a blanket? Because you two are not having sex in my living room.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: Do you like my outfit?

Jiang Cheng: I like what’s underneath better..

Nie Huaisang:*blushes* J-Jiang Cheng!

Jiang Cheng: No, I need your chair. Get up.

~.~

Wen Chao: Who doesn’t?

Wei Ying: I know.

Lan Zhan: A horrible decision, really.

Lan Xichen: Thanks!

Jiang Cheng: Why?

Nie Huaisang:*laughs nervously*

Lan Jingyi:*laughs hysterically*

Ouyang Zizhen: YEET!!!!!!

Wen Ning I’m sorry.

Also Zizhen:*finger guns*

Wen Qing: If only there was someone who loved you.


	24. #24

Jiang Cheng: Huaisang, I want you.

Nie Huaisang: For what?

Jiang Cheng: . . .

Nie Huaisang: Did you forget? That’s okay, it happens all the time to me.

~.~

Lan Xichen: Is that a hickey?

Lan Zhan: No, it’s a mosquito bite.

(later)

Wei Ying: Hey Xichen!

Lan Xichen: Hi mosquito.

~.~

Wen Ning: Wei Ying, what time is it?

Wei Ying: I dunno, but pass me my flute and I’ll find out.

Wei Ying:*plays flute*

Jiang Cheng: WHO THE HECK IS PLAYING THE FLUTE AT 2 AM!!!!!!!!?????

Wei Ying: It’s 2 AM.

~.~

Lan Jingyi: Do you know what state visco girls live in?

Lan Jingyi: Alasksksksksk.

Lan Sizhui: Please, just go to bed.


	25. #25

Wei Ying: I wasn’t injured.

Wei Ying: I was lightly stabbed.

~.~

Lan Zhan: Did you eat dinner?

Wei Ying: Of course I did. I had a salad.

Wei Ying: A fruit salad, actually.

Wei Ying: It was mostly grapes.

Wei Ying: Actually it was all grapes.

Wei Ying: Fermented grapes.

Wei Ying:

Wei Ying: Wine. I had wine for dinner.

~.~

Young Lan Zhan: Please tell me something I don’t know.

Lan Qiren: That’s dangerous, for there are many things you don’t know, and many things that should be kept secret.

Young Lan Xichen: You’re weirdly cryptic.

Lan Qiren: I try to be.

~.~

Mianmian: Would you date a man shorter than you?

Wen Qing: No.

Mianmian: . . ..That’s kinda shallow.

Wen Qing:*sighs* Mainmian, I’m lesbian and we’ve been dating for years.

Mianmian: Oh.

~.~

Wen Ning:*being chased by a murder*

Wen Ning:*reaches crosswalk*

Wen Ning:*frantically presses crosswalk button*

~.~

Jiang Cheng:*after Wei Ying did any of the stupid things he is prone to doing* I would roll my eyes right now, but my doctor says if I keep doing that, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.


	26. #26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You get some more, for I am a generous deity who's sole wish is to bless your lives with happiness and laughter. 
> 
> And also I am bored and have the time XD

(in a thunderstorm)  
Young Lan Zhan: Uncle, I’m scared.

Lan Qiren: Don’t worry, these are just God’s tears.

Young Lan Zhan: . . .I’m sorry, but what does that mean?

Lan Qiren: He’s crying because we are all sinners.

~.~

The Mother I Am Questioning Whether Or Not Wen Chao Even Had: There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing!

Wen Chao: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

~.~

Lan Zhan: I’m sorry, the food is too hot. I don’t think I will be able to eat it.

Wei Ying: You’re too hot and I still eat you!

Lan Zhan:*blushes*

Wei Ying:*winks*

Lan Qiren: ONE DINNER! I JUST WANT ONE DINNER!

~.~

Wei Ying: There is nothing worse than having to eat a mushy grape.

Jiang Cheng: MAYBE EXCEPT HAVING YOUR WHOLE FAMILY MURDERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!

Wei Ying:

Wei Ying: . . . Yeah, but have you ever had to eat a mushy grape before?

~.~

Jiang Fegmain: Don’t you two have something to say to each other?

Young Wei Ying: I’m sorry I flicked flour in your face.

Jiang Fengmain: Jiang Cheng?

Jiang Cheng: I’m sorry you’re my brother.

~.~

Lan Zhan: Hey babe, what do you want to eat?

Yiling Patriarch:*creepy voice* The souls of the innocent.

Wei Ying: A bagel.

Yiling Patriarch: NO!

Wei Ying: . . .Two bagels.


	27. #27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aiyaaah! Sorry I've been gone for so long dudes T^T I am back now to bring you incorrect quotes!

Madame Yu: Who ate all the cookies?

Jiang Cheng: Ninjas

Madame Yu: But I didn’t see them.

Wei Ying: No one ever does.

~.~

Nie Huaisang:*drunk af* I have to say, you know, getting married is the bravest, most wonderful thing you can do! Cuz everyday you come home and you’re just like, “What? It’s you! I love you! You’re my sexy roommate! I love you!”

Jiang Cheng:*also drunk* Whoo! He’s talkin’ about me!

~.~

(Gusu Trio are walking through the woods)

Nie Huaisang: Wow! It’s such a beautiful day today! I love Mother Nature!

Jiang Cheng:*trips over log and falls on face*

Jiang Cheng:*not even trying to get up* MOTHER NATURE IS A WHORE!

~.~

Wei Ying: Send dudes.

Lan Zhan: . . .Do you mean send nudes?

Wei Ying: No. I’m in a battle. I need more men.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: Bye Jiang Cheng! Bye Wei Ying! Bye Sect Leader Jiang! Bye Jiang Cheng!

Nie Mingue: You said Jiang Cheng twice.

Niw Huaisag: I like Jiang Cheng.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: How did Wei Ying find a guy as sweet as you?

Lan Zhan: Actually, I hit him with my car while he was break dancing in the KFC(that’s a restaurant in America. Cuz I know I have at least one person who doesn’t speak english reading this and I don’t know how well that would go through Google Translate) parking lot.

Wei Ying: It was love at first sight.

~.~

*crying is heard in house in the middle of the night*

Nie Huaisang: I went last time.

Jiang Cheng: He won’t ever sleep on his own if we cuddle him every time he cries.

Wei Ying:*shouting from across the hall resentfully* So I’m just supposed to comfort myself then? Is that how this is going to work?

~.~

Wei Ying: What if the only reason we can’t walk through mirrors is because our reflections block us?

Nie Huaisang: What if they are protecting us though? Because the other side is horrifying and painful and they want to keep us from crossing over.

Wei Ying: I must be on the wrong side of the mirror then.

Nie Huaisang: Maybe you’re the reflection-

Jiang Cheng: I swear to the high heavens, if you two don’t shut the heck up right now. . .


	28. #28

*when asked whether or not he thinks he’s hot*  
Wei Ying: Well, that depends on when you look at me. When I am selfie-ing I am always 100% hot. Perfect. Flawless. Then when I am in the bath with the bubbles and the toy boats and the evil octopuses, I get very frustrated because the evil octopuses turn into Lan Qiren telling me to stay away from Lan Zhan and them my face turns blue and I am definitely not flawless during those times.

Nie Huaisang:

Wei Ying:

Nie Huaisang:

Nie Huaisang: Wei Ying, have you ever seen a therapist?

Wei Ying: Once or twice, they said I was fine.

Nie Huaisang:

Nie Huasiang:

Nie Huaisang: How much did you pay them?

~.~

Lan Xichen: I love this whole, good cop/bad cop thing you and Jiang Cheng have going!

Nie Huaisang: It’s not really a thing. It’s just, I’m nice and A-Cheng is not.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: What should I get Wei Ying for his birthday?

Jiang Cheng: Medication.

~.~

Lan Qiren: You said you had nothing to do with that prank. Are you lying?

Wei Ying: Well, that depends on how you define ‘lying.’

Lan Qiren: I define it as not telling the truth, and therefore breaking a rule. How do you define it?

Wei Ying: Reclining your body in a horizontal position.

Lan Qiren:

Wei Ying:

Lan Qiren: Get out of my office.

Wei Ying: With pleasure.

~.~

Madame Yu: Jiang Cheng, get that disgusting thing out of the house!

Jiang Cheng: Alright.

Jiang Cheng: Wei Ying! Mom wants you out of the house!

~.~

Nie Huaisang: Treat animals how you want to be treated.

Jiang Cheng: Killed without hesitation.


	29. #29

Wei Ying: Am I in Hell?

Madame Yu: No, if you were in Hell, you would be on the throne and the devil would be packing his bags.

~.~

Lan Jingyi:*pointing at giant Humpty-Dumpty statue* EXPECTO PATRONUM!!!!!

Wei Ying: I want to moo at a cow.

Nie Huaisang: No, cough syrup. You are not ‘grape flavoured!’ Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children! Not grape!

Jiang Cheng:*too Wei Ying* No, no. I’m listening. It just takes a moment for me to process so much stupidity.

Lan Xichen:*to Guangyao* Curse your sudden and inevitable betrayal!

Lan Zhan: I apologize. It seems I have gone and gotten myself fatally cured.

Jiang Fengmian: At times, Wei Wuxian, you tread a thin line between charmingly headstrong and insufferably pig-headed.

Wei Ying: There are no ‘straight men.’ Just men who haven't met me. :P

Jin Ling: I’m gonna go. If I leave now, I’ll be home in time to not be here.

A-Qing: Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth like stupidity falls out of yours.

~.~

Jiang Cheng: Wei Wuxian, I’m your brother. So I need to be honest with you.

Jiang Cheng: I don’t care about you or your problems.

~.~

Lan Zhan: Are you having second thoughts?

Wei Ying: I don’t have second thoughts. That’s the benefit of having great first thoughts.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: Please? For me?

Jiang Cheng: Don’t do that.

Nie Huaisang: What?

Jiang Cheng: You think everytime you say, “Please? For me?” I’ll do whatever you want. Well, not this time.

Nie Huaisang:

Nie Huaisang: Please? For me?

Jiang Cheng: . . .Okay.

~.~

Lan Sizhui: So, an octopus can change its color to match its surroundings. When it does this it is called . . .?

Lan Jingyi: An octo-lie.

Lan Sizhui: . . .Metachrosis.

Lan Jingyi:

Lan Sizhui:

Ouyang Zizhen: Mock-topus.


	30. #30

Jiang Cheng: I am the ultimate third-wheel.

Lan Xichen:*sitting in Nie Minjue’s lap* Aw, you shouldn’t think that way!

Lan Sizhui:*holding and Jin Ling’s hand* Yeah, what makes you say that?

Wei Ying:*making out with Lan Zhan* Totally untrue.

Jiang Cheng: Wow. I have leveled up to 7th wheel. I am truly powerful.

Nie Huaisang:*pouts* What am I, chopped liver?

~.~

Wei Ying: If Lan Zhan and I adopt a daughter I’m going to name her Lizard. Then she’ll get the nickname ‘Liz’ and when people ask if it’s short for Elizabeth she can be like, “Nope, my name is Lizard.”

Jiang Cheng: 

Jiang Cheng: Please go kill yourself.

~.~

Nie Huaisang: You’re a psychopath.

Wei Ying: I prefer creative.

Jiang Cheng:*riding in on skateboard dragging a dead body behind him* I’m a psychopath.

~.~

*Madame Yu and Wei Ying sitting beside each other after getting kicked out of a museum on a school trip*

Wei Ying: You got tossed out too, huh?

Madame Yu: Yeah, for yelling at my students. It’s not my fault; they were trying to climb on the artifacts and they weren’t listening to me when I told them to stop!

Wei Ying: You yelled in a museum? Dang. That’s pretty hardcore.

Madame Yu: Why did you get thrown out?

Wei Ying: I stole a pterodactyl, but it’s not like I yelled.

~.~

Ouyang Zizhen: What happens if you put a werewolf on the moon is probably the greatest question ever asked.

Jin Ling: He’ll explode and die because there’s no oxygen on the moon.

Lan Jingyi: He never said he’d send him up without a suit, you absolute monster.


	31. #31

Wei Ying: Okay, so-

Jiang Cheng: No, don’t you dare. Stop. Stop. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve been cleaning up your messes almost my entire life and I’m aging prematurely because you are driving me steadily insane. So I don’t want to hear it. Go away. I’ll be grey by twenty at this rate. Leave me alone.

Wei Ying: I was just going to ask if you wanted toast!

Jiang Cheng: Oh. Well, no thanks.

Wei Ying: Good, cuz I blew up the toaster and Huaisang’s on fire.

~.~

Wei Ying:*drunk for once* You think you’re soooo clevererer than me? Fight me! *talking to stairs he’s been aggressively trying to climb for the last half hour*

Jiang Cheng: Hm. Should I calm him down?

Jiang Cheng: Nah.

Jiang Cheng: Oi! Wei Wuxian! Those stairs just said you look fat in leather!

~.~

Wei Ying: Hey, Lan Zhan! If I could rearrange the alphabet the first thing I’d do is I’d put U and I together!

Lan Zhan:*le sigh* Wei Ying, if you could rearrange the alphabet, the first thing you’d do is spell S E X and laugh about it for hours.

Wei Ying:*finger guns* You’ve got me there!

~.~

Lan Qiren: Can you please tell the class why you are so late?

Wei Ying: Someone told me to go to Hell.

Wei Ying: Couldn’t find it at first.

Wei Ying: But now I’m here.

~.~

Lan Jingyi: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld!

Wei Ying: Wen Ning?

Lan Jingyi: Wha-? No-

Wei Ying: BABY WEN NING!

Lan Jingyi: No!

Wei Ying:*gasp* Baby Wen Ning with a little hat on!

Lan Jingyi: NO!


	32. Chapter 32

Jiang Cheng: Why would I do something that would make me care for people? I hate people, you know that.

Lan Zhan: If you’ve read my diary, I don’t think I can define suffering much clearer.

Wei Ying: I refuse to accept being as ugly as the rest of you.

Wei Ying: I am going to commit arson.

Lan Jingyi: I wonder what my soul tastes like.

Ouyang Zizhen:*pointing sword at giang Humpty Dumpty statue* EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Nie Huaisang: I want to moo at a cow.

Lan Sizhui: I’m being shipped with a Powerade.

Wen Ning: Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see.

Su She: Roses are red, this makes no sense, my name is Su She, microwave.

Lan Xichen: Imma go outside so if anyone asks what I am doing I can say I’m . . .outstanding.

Jiang Cheng: What if I ran over a horse with a tank?  
Wei Ying: Horsey nO!!!!

Nie Huaisang: The broccoli says ‘I look like a small tree.’ The mushroom says ‘I look like an umbrella.’ The walnut says ‘I look like a brain.’ And the banana says ‘Can we please change the subject?’

Wei Ying: My room isn’t messy. It’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

Wen Ning: Looking at how i react when my toast pops out of the toaster, I don’t think I would look cool walking away from an explosion.

Nie Huaisang: I love how in horror movies the victim’s all like ‘Hello?’ Like, what do you expect? That the killer’s just going to be like, “Hey yo, yeah. I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?’

Lan Jingyi: They misunderestimated me.

Ouyang Zizhen: I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography after they died.

Wen Ning: Is this a chicken, what I have? Or a fish? Cuz it’s tuna. But the can says Chicken . . .of the . . .sea . . .

Jin Guangyao: We have to pause and ask ourselves. How much clean air do we need?

A-Qing:*to Xue Yang* Sorry, I can’t commit crimes with you. Xaio Xingcheng says I have to study. :/


End file.
